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), but I can tell you that even from that POV, I generally have few expectations of this kind of question. No other adult would be here. Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" You have actually internalized a very common social rule. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. It took a LOOOOONNNNGGG time to train them out of, What are you doing this weekend? Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! This will not go away. Mittens and I can primal scream together. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. This strikes me as so strange! If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. I still have the same question of why do this? See also, sometimes when someone is rude or difficult, I will pretend they said something nice or appropriate and respond with a total non-sequitur. (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. It happens, even, as above, to straight white cis etc. My Kid: No (shuts door) You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. Can't complain. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". Simply say something you're obviously not doing. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. Ahhhh the family stuff. Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. You? 3. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! Those things influence what I ask of my kid, and they influence how I ask it. A possible script: Sorry, Aunt, if I dont do laundry this weekend, Im not going to have any clean clothes. MY plans!) leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. Threading has run out, so replying to your top comment, spd please try to avoid using the word spazzy. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). Why? I saved up enough to move out. Him: Doing anything else? What are you doing this weekend? Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. Is it OK to invite the usual people? Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. What is the stuff?? Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). Something like this happens every single time. Teaching my fish how to swim. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. Great! I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. This relationship goes both ways. Instead, choose from these five replies. May suggest reversing the order of operations? We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. Young women and girls are not stupid. My go-to refusal of any invitation is I have other plans, and nobody needs to know whether my other plans are a work thing I cant get out of or a fun evening out or painting my toenails in front of Netflix. No Response. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. If you're taking a vacation and staying home, your clients or coworkers may still expect you to pop into the office and answer their emails. Justit can be a lot sometimes. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. I am eating. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. Answer vaguely. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Spot on, thank you. Also works for the similar How ARE you? @Grant Us Eyes mentioned. 18. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. "Better days are coming. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. They see how often constantly males can throw a tantrum about how theyre being bitches, where the males only complaint is, I asked her questions, and she refused to answer! That alone is enough for him to feel justified in escalating the threats, anger, violence. Funny Responses To What Are You Doing Actively waiting for my problems to go away. Me: Nope. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. No, it had just been earlier that very day. Nothing special. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. What are you doing for dinner? Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. At least, it never has for me! The person is saying something factually incorrect. Thanks! I mountain bike every weekend! (And this is all, of course, assuming I dont want to go. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. Must say I kinda love your kids response. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 Aunt: Good! 8. Oh, stop it, will you? Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. "Weekends are days to refuel your soul and to be grateful for the blessings that you have." - Anonymous 2. This is where you really have to double down on the super-beaming positive manner of absolute assurance. Id also add that when youve lived in a place for years and are planning to stay, like I am in my husbands home country, it gets very tiring to have everyone assume youre just visiting or that youre an international student and will be gone soon. Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. This business of hanging on to parental authority as a form of rent, however, has already damaged your relationship, from what youre saying. If you have plans, just say so. Yeah, my parents did that too. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). Published on August 6, 2022. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. Thinking of seeing [movie]. You're going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble .) So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. You'll hear it regularly in speech, and people actually might think it sounds funny/wrong to say "Well.". And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. Which is honest at least. You wonder where he'll take you. Because shes a family member. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. It's to funny for everybody. Good luck! Sorry about that! Im planning an event on Day, are you free? I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? men. Answer vaguely. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no..